Read this manual carefully before assembling. Or don’t—your funeral. If you have any questions about assembly, operation, or repair, call 1-800-835-6765.

I was the owner of Berry Fresh Energy Drink™. Berry Fresh was not just a name, but a rallying cry—an affront to our competitors, the shameless grifters who pumped the youth full of toxic sludge.

When I first saw your ad on the L, I was skeptical. No offense, but it looked like a chimp threw it together in Microsoft Paint. It was hella sketch.

Our desert-night camouflage pattern may bring back memories of the flak you donned in Bagdad.

Facial Features: Eyes that hardened when he stepped onto the asphalt. They contained no trace of the man who tousled my hair and cut the crust off my sandwiches. Within those steely irises was only pure killer instinct.

Did some high-pressure salesperson twist your arm into buying a timeshare? Did they “forget” to mention that your fees would go up year after year after year?

Are you having difficulty getting started? Experiencing frequent urges to go? Has your prostate ballooned to proportions that defy the laws of medical science?